


Host With The Most

by casstayinmyass



Category: Beetlejuice (1988)
Genre: Beetlejuice Being Beetlejuice, Disasters, Disguise, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Flirting, Fluff and Smut, Gothic, Humor, Kissing, Married Couple, Married Life, Married Sex, Meeting the Parents, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Sexual Humor, Smut, Teasing, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-07-07 10:15:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15906237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casstayinmyass/pseuds/casstayinmyass
Summary: Your parents are coming for a visit. They have no idea you're married to the ghost with the most, so you have to come up with some sort of normal cover up for your husband... but with Beetlejuice involved, things are always the opposite of normal.





	1. Chapter 1

The sun shines in through the bedroom window, almost blinding you as you open your eyes. You get up, opening the curtains, and cringe.

"Hey... BJ," you whisper to you husband, who's fast asleep on the other side of the gothic four poster. You tug at the sheets, rolling your eyes. "Beej." He snores loudly, stretching his legs out to your now-empty side of the bed. "BEETLEJUICE!" you shout, and he jolts awake with a snort, flailing.

"Wassat?! Huuhh wha?" he blinks, and you cross your arms, smirking at his morning bedhead, which is even worse than his usual bedhead.

"The windows are acting up again."

He looks over, and groans. "Aaalright alright, I got this, babes." He gets up, scratching his stomach, and snaps his fingers. Dark storm clouds roll in to cover the sun, and rain starts to pour. A thunder crack sounds. You smile.

"Thanks."

He dips you, kissing you. "Not a problem."

"Brush your teeth," you giggle. He frowns.

"And ruin this perfect moldy taste I got going on in here?! C'mon!"

You point to the bathroom, where he stalks off.

Today wasn't just any day. Today, which otherwise would have been a lazy Sunday for you and your husband, was the day your parents were coming to visit. The unnerving part was, they had never met Beetlejuice before... all they knew, was that you had met someone and had had a private wedding (a gorgeous, miserable little graveyard in the Netherworld) with only a few people attending. Your closest friends were there, after you had gently explained to them you were hitching up with a ghost you had met through a particularly feisty and fortuitous Ouija board.

Beetlejuice invited his best friend Lydia, and the ghost family he knew, the Maitlands, to the wedding. Barbara Maitland had helped you get ready, while she told you all about her own fairytale wedding. 

Your parents, though, would not have taken it well, so you resorted to "forgetting to mention it to them". Today, they're coming to visit.

"Hey," Beetlejuice calls from the bathroom, "Today's the big day, right?"

"The day of reckoning," you joke, then hesitate. "Wow. You actually remembered." He saunters out in his white and black boxers, arms open in disbelief.

"Babes, I always remember the dates for shit. Hey-- I never forget our anniversary!"

"That's because you get _loads_ of dirty sex on our anniversary."

"I get loads of dirty sex every night with you," he gives a salacious grin, thrusting his hips forward a couple of times. "And baby, I never get tired." You giggle, looking away.

"Stoppit. You have to pretend to be a normal guy for the day."

"And that wasn't a normal guy?" he raises an eyebrow at you, and you smirk.

"Okay, well-- we've got to figure out some kind of disguise for you to look like... I don't know, a normal husband, at least."

"Right, right," he nods, clearing his throat and watching you as you take off your sleeping top. You catch him staring unabashedly at your breasts, and grin.

"Perv."

"You know it." He suddenly appears behind you, making wiggly hands in front of them from behind. You roll your eyes, and nod. Granted permission, he squeezes your breasts and moans, growling into the back of your neck. His touches always get you hot, and this isn't any different... you feel him rolling his hips into your ass, humping you from behind.

"We don't have time," you laugh, snaking out of his grasp and putting a bra on. He moans petulantly.

"Got me all hard with nothin left to do but jerk off," he sighs, and you give him a look.

"No time for that either, they could be here in the next half hour!"

He walks out of the room with you. "Alright. Gimme a sec." You nod, and he floats through the floor to the living room of your haunted mansion, while you take the ride down the banister. When you get to the bottom, he's got his hair slicked back, and he's dressed in a full purple suit, spread out across the floor in a sexy pose.

"Hey there, nice to meet ya, I'm your daughter's hot new hubby." A white, frizzy curl pops out of his hairdo.

"Nice try, but we're going to have to be more convincing than that," you laugh, brushing past him playfully.

"Hm," he flops down on the old ripped couch, "Okay, I'll bite. What're you thinkin?"

"I'm thinking normal normal. Like, living."

"Living?" He stops for a moment, genuinely surprised. "You want me to look living?"

You can't help but notice the little flinch he gives. You sigh. "It's the only way they'll accept this, baby."

"Uh..." He shakes it off. "Sure, sure."

"You need a normal sounding name too."

He shrugs, straightens out his jacket, lets his hair go back to its usual state. He hums, framing the name with his hands in the air. "Beetle Jize."

"Sounds like beetle jizz," you mutter. He starts to snicker.

"Heya, nice to meet ya Mr. and Mrs. (y/l/n), I'm your daughter's loving husband, Beetle Jizz." His obnoxious laughter sets off again, and you lose it too in fits of giggles. 

"Why not just BJ?" you propose, starting to make some pumpkin tea.

"You want my name to be Blow Job?" You both start laughing again, and you rub your eyes.

"We're both hopeless. This is never going to work."

"Here here, how 'bout this-- Bill Gems. I go by Billy," he suggests. You tilt your head.

"That's actually not bad."

"Billy Gems. Well, I sound like a car salesman who hasn't been in a woman's panties in forty years, but..."

"Yeah, but that works, that's perfect."

He jumps up. "Alright then. Ken Doll on a dry spell coming up!"

He pops off into the other room, and you hear him getting ready. There's a few screams, a cat screech, a loud bang sound, and a few bats flutter out. You grimace and bite your nails, wondering just what he was doing to himself in there.

"And here he comes... the husbando you've always dreamed of... give it up for him, ladies and gentlemen, he's a real swell guy... Mister BILL GEMS!" You gasp as Beetlejuice appears in front of you in a pop of purple smoke. "Thank you, thank you, not signing today, sorry, maybe tomorrow, hi there doll, you're cute, thanks folks!" He waves.

He looks completely different, with short, wavy brown hair, his face completely human looking, and a black and red tux on. It's an astonishing transformation.

"Hey baby," he wiggles his eyebrows, "How do I look?"

You shake off your shock. "Disgustingly normal," you respond, and he makes a face.

"Euk."

"Is this what you looked like before you died?!"

He smooths out his suit, looking down. "More or less."

"Jesus. I think you skipped over the whole dry spell part," you bite your lip, toes curling.

"Not to disrupt your delicate sensibilities..." he straightens his tie primly, "But you look like you want me to fuck you over the table til ya can't walk." He snarls in arousal, stalking forward. You let out a whimper at your husband's predatory behavior.

"I do want you to fuck me over that table until I can't walk." His hands clamp down and tighten around your shoulders.

"Ahhh, you got it honey--"

Suddenly, the large doorbell rings, and you both look at each other, the moment temporarily diffused.

"Fine. You ready to meet them, baby?" You get up, sauntering over to him. He looks down at you, and plants a long, wet kiss on your lips.

"It's showtime."

You swing open the door, and your parents are standing there, smiling.

"Hi!" you smile, hugging them, and they both come in, smiling back.

"It's so good to see you!" your dad says.

"A little trouble finding the place though," your mom adds, "It's in the middle of nowhere." She takes a look around your giant, cobweb ridden gothic mansion, and swallows.

"Very nice grounds, though," your dad assures, "You two have made quite the life for yourselves I see!"

"Yes," your mom mumbles, blinking at a collection of skulls sitting on the windowsill, "Quite the life."

"And where's our new son in law?" your dad smiles. You step aside, and let your husband come through.

"Howdy," Beetlejuice grins, sliding forward. This should be good. "I'm Bill, Bill Gems! Nice to finally meet ya, heard so much about the two of you and may I just say, WOW, Mrs. (y/l/n), 10/10, and Mr. (y/l/n), I totally would."

"God help me," you mutter.

"Bill," your mother beams, obviously not catching his comments. She sizes the painfully normal man up. "What a nice name!"

"Eh, it's kinda boring as shit, but thanks mama!" You nudge him, and he looks to your dad, avoiding the awkward stare from your mother. "Daddy-o! Hey hey hi, how you doin'?"

"Good, really... really good," your dad nods, "Is that organ music playing?"

"You know how I always loved the organ," you quickly say, and he nods again slowly.

"Well come on in!" BJ steps back, inviting them in. They sit in the living room, and your father looks to your husband again.

"So, what do you do, Bill?" your dad asks. You and Beetlejuice speak up at the same time.

"Car salesman."

"Cemetery manager."

You both pause, then try again.

"Car salesman."

"Cemetery manager."

"Oh," you cut in, "Well, he's got two jobs currently."

"Yeah," BJ cuts in, "I mean, check out our digs, right? In this economy? They pay ya better to die!" He laughs. " _I wish_ ," he also adds softly, and your mother shifts in her seat uncomfortably.

"What a nice ring that is, dear," she comments to you, and Beetlejuice grins.

"Like it?! Looks real good on her, huh? Real bone, too!"

"Animal! Bone! Made of real animal bone, hey mom, guess what?!"

"Please don't say you're pregnant," your dad squeaks, checking out the black spider patterned drapes.

"Not yet," you reply, hit again with the question of what that kid would even look like. Half ghost half human? How would that even work? Maybe he couldn't get you pregnant... You shelve that thought. "No, we officially own the place now! We got it from some old friends."

"Correction: they _were_  old," Beetlejuice cackles. You can't help but laugh too at your shared dark humor, and your parents both stare at you two. Everyone takes a sip of their pumpkin tea.

"Well, I'm gonna go take Sparky out," Beetlejuice says, attempting to worm his way out of the tense silence, and your dad raises a finger.

"Sweetie, didn't your dog Sparky, eh... die, two years ago?"

Your eyes widen. "Yeah! Well, I missed him so much that I had to... get another one and name him the same thing!"

"Oh."

You glare at your husband, so he sits back down. "So where did you grow up, Bill?" your mother asks politely. You lean into him, smiling.

"Tell em, Billy." You weren't about to interfere with this tall tale.

"Well, uh, let's see here," he thinks back a very long ways, trying to remember the exact year it was he was born and where he was at the time, but you nudge him again. "Oh. Uh... Indiana." You stifle a laugh. That was probably the most boring place he could think of.

"That's nice," your dad says. You look over to your husband, clasping his hand. He traces circles around your palm, and you smile. He suddenly digs his finger in, and laughs softly, biting his lip at you. You groan, shaking your sore hand, and rub his knee instead.

He looks so different, you almost feel like you're cheating on him with... a strange twin brother of his. The only difference is the eyes-- he's got that mischievous, almost evil glint in his eye, with a hint of the softness he shows toward you. Still, his human appearance unnerves you.

He leans in to your ear. "Babes, you're seriously turning me on right now. You look so fuckin hot, the way you're lookin' at me..." He gestures down to his pants, and you see a bulge there-- it would turn you on too, but NOT RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT. You quickly gasp, jumping up and plopping down hard in his lap. "Owwww!" he yelps, and pinches your ass for revenge as you try to smile at your parents.

Nope. No matter how different he looked, it was still good old him.   

BJ suddenly sees a bug crawling across the table, and slams it down. Everyone jumps. "What are you gonna do with that, honey?" you ask him pointedly, and he twitches.

"Mmm... mmmf," he growls, and tosses it over his shoulder, trying to resist licking his lips. "Damn bugs around this place, am I right?! Can't live with em, can't live without em!"

"Okay, well this was nice," you say, getting up, "I'm getting pretty hungry."

You all sit down for dinner. No possessions. No tricks. Nobody's food becomes sentient even once. You all chat about nice, normal things like eh... football? (The only knowledge of football Beej has is from that dead team, which you willed him not to mention). Family memories were also discussed, which went alright. Now, it's getting late.

"Billy, you wanna show my parents to their room?" you smile, clearing the last plate.

"Oh yeah, it's up this way guys," he nods, escorting them both up the grand staircase.

"Thank you..." your mother starts to say, but he's gone from behind them, waiting at the top of the stairs. You slam a palm to your face.

"I'm just, uh... super fast on my feet," he laughs, "You're talkin' to the track star of '18 here."

"'18?" your mother asks, "You mean... this year?"

Beetlejuice frowns. "Yeah... yeah, that's totally what I mean."

"Cemetery manager, car salesman, and a runner?" your dad says, "How do you do it?"

Beetlejuice snickers. "Well Pops-- I am the ghost with the most."

"Ha! It's an inside joke!" you call up, and your husband pats both of your parents on the back. He escorts them to a big room with creaky shutters and a haunted closet. You try to protest that the one with the old dead freeloader hanging around in the closet wasn't the best for them, but Beetlejuice has already shut the door.

A zombified Sparky comes and dances around your feet as Beetlejuice takes a flying leap off the second floor, breaking all his bones and losing his head in the process. His head rolls up beside you.

"That's what this whole day makes me wanna do."

"Aw," you tease, "You got all dressed up, only to ruin it with a little beheading?"

He rolls his eyes, and fits his head back on, getting rid of the gore around his neck. "Now that we're alone..." he mumbles, sliding closer to you, "Whadya say you give ol Bill Gems some sugar for his performance?" 

You giggle, but try to wiggle out of his litany of kisses. "I am actually tired after that."

"Cmoooon, I'm so horny, I haven't gotten any all day, cmon, cmon, cmon--" he kisses all over your face, and you bite your lip, playing hard to get.

"I'm going to sleep."

"Fine," he sighs playfully, "Be that way." He shakes his head as you two get up to the bedroom. "Not even a little head, shit, tough crowd."

You peck him on the cheek, and both of you get dressed for bed. The window is changed to a nice nighttime scene, full moon with clouds parting for the stars. A wolf howls outside, and a few bats fly by the window, shaking the glass. Creaks sound overhead, chains rattle downstairs, and you smile to yourself. You wouldn't have it any other way.

"Hey, uh... I was thinkin'..." You turn over to see him looking down, fiddling with a button as he speaks. He still has his living form on. "If you, uh..." He avoids your eyes, scratching the back of his neck, "Well, if ya like Billy... I can keep the face. And, y'know, all the rest. If you want."

You look at him, taking in his appearance. He certainly is handsome like this, with that sexy squint and tan skin. But you crawl over to him, straddle his lap as he grunts softly in surprise, and loop your arms around his neck. You then bring your lips to his, kissing him deeply as you grind down into his lap. He moans, and you move your lips against his cheek, stopping to whisper in his ear. "I miss my monster."

His lips form a wicked grin, and it's as if a switch has been flipped. His appearance immediately begins to change, skin going ghostly white, hair growing out and frizzing, eyes blackening.

"Yeah? See somethin' you like, babes?" he gives a cocky smile, "Don't be shy, I was born this way, baby... yeah, this is all natural... you like that?"

You giggle. "Yeah, I like that."

"How about... this?" he asks, and flips you so that you're on the bed on your back. You suddenly realize your hands have been tied to the bedposts, and you look back at him, aroused. He suddenly disappears, and reappears behind the door, knocking. He opens it, dressed like a plumber.

"Uh, is this the residence of a (y/n) (y/l/n)? I got a call you might need some help with the pipes!" You giggle, and he changes again, bearing a uniform and a box. "Hey cutie petutie, you the babysitter that ordered a pizza?" He changes yet again, and he's in a little schoolgirl uniform, sucking on his bottom lip. He spins around, bending over. "I've been so _naughty_. Spank me, will ya?!"

"Come here, you asshole," you laugh.

"I'm gonna have to hear you say it..." he teases, "Come aaahn now, let me hear ya... who's still got it, even after five hundred years'a bein' dead?!"

You smile. "You, Beetlejuice. Now fuck your wife, she's really horny."

He cracks his knuckles, and grabs his crotch, squeezing it. Then his face takes on that serious, terrifying scowl that lets you know you won't be walking right for days. "A'don't mind if I do!" He pounces between your legs, and takes your panties down, undoing his pants as well. He pushes into you fast, wasting no time at all, fucking you hard as you moan his name. He grunts, leaning in over top of you. "You like that, babes? Huh? You sure sound like you're enjoying getting fucked by the Netherworld's prime bachelor."

"Uh huh," you groan.

"You love it, don't you? You like it rough... dirty... just like me."

"Oh god! Fuck me hard, daddy!"

His head rolls back as he groans loudly at the name, thrusting harder and harder and faster until you're close to sobbing for him. "Oh yeeeah, baby, that's good!"

"Beetlejuice... Beetlejuice..."

"One more time, baby girl, say it real loud for your daddy!" he grins, and you nearly scream.

"Beetlejuice!"

He thrusts once more, and comes hard, making you come as well with relentless rubbing against your clit. When he senses you're finished, you both fall into bed. He's got a lit cigarette suddenly dangling from his lips. "Was that as good for you as it was for me?" 

"Fuck yes."

"Aw baby, I love you. And I'm not just sayin' that cause you're swell in the sack."

You giggle again, and snuggle into him. He puts his arms around you, stroking your chest and spooning you from behind. With the two of you sated and cuddling close, the lights are turned out.

\---

The next morning, you go and knock on your parents' door. Beetlejuice is in the bathroom getting ready again, and you're feeling satisfied and much happier than yesterday.  
"Morning," you smile on greeting. After they get ready, you lead them out, and "Bill" comes out to say good morning too, dressed in a horribly regular looking housecoat.

"We heard some unusual noises last night," your dad mentions awkwardly. You blush as Beetlejuice laughs.

"Oh, you know how these old houses are. Moaning... begging, screaming my name," he winks. You two see them to the front door.

"I'm so glad you could finally come meet my husband," you say.

"A real pleasure," BJ smiles, holding out a hand. Your mom shakes it, and your dad does too. Then, your mom calmly looks at Beetlejuice, and says:

"So. When did you die?"

He blinks. "...Come again?"

Your father also looks at your mom like she's gone off the deep end. "When did you die? Expire, kick the bucket, buy the proverbial farm?"

"You're gonna have to excuse my shit hearing, I hear horns honking all day at the car dealership, y'know, uhh..." Beetlejuice hits his head, and a bug falls out of his left ear. You yelp, smacking it away before anyone sees. 

"You didn't expect me not to notice," your mom huffs. "I know a ghost when I see one. I can sense them, you know."

"A medium!" Beetlejuice says excitedly, then clears his throat. "I, uh... I don't know what you're talkin' about mama bear, sorry."

You start to smile. "He's... been dead 540 years. 41 next week, actually."

"Well darling, you should have told me. I would have bought something for your death anniversary," she tells Beetlejuice. His eyes widen, and you look to your dad, who's freaking out.

"She... our daughter... a ghost?! Bill is a g... g..."

"You must be feeling very dense today, honey," your mom says, "Come on, let's get to the car."

"We love you, mom," you smirk.

"Come back anytime," Beetlejuice shoots them finger guns, and suddenly changes from his human form to his ghostly one. Your mom clutches her chest. "Too much?" he deadpans.

"Just a little," your mom wheezes, and you kiss your husband as your dad faints.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested continuation! Reader gets pregnant.

It’s a day like any other. Screams echo in the distance, moans and howls sound down the hallways of your beloved three story haunted mansion. Beetlejuice is in his study, trying to find some work in the obituaries, and you’re reading one of your husband’s books, “The Art Of The Scare”. You flip the page, then the sickness comes back. You run to the bathroom, quickly throwing up, and bite your lip. You wanted to find a cute setting to tell him– maybe after he had just closed a deal and took you to Transylvania or something, but you didn’t want to wait any longer.

Knocking three times at the door to his study, you shift nervously.

“Babes!” he grins, inviting you in, “Come to… give me a little sugar, take my mind off the piles of obituaries I gotta sift through?” He rolls his eyes. “I swear, I’ll be dead by the time I finish ‘em. Ha!” You saddle yourself into his lap, holding him by the shoulders. He licks his lips, preparing for you to go to town on him, but you stop in front of his lips.

“I’ve got news.”

He patterns his fingers against the chair. “Your, uh… your parents are visiting again. No! Your sister’s gettin’ married!”

“BJ, I don’t have a sister.”

He pauses. “Touché.”

“Hun, I…” you look down, and he kisses your cheek.

“What is it? Brother’s been arrested again?”

“I don’t have a brother either.”

“I knew that.”

“Baby, I’m pregnant.”

You wince, and his eyes widen. You watch through one eye as he goes through the stages, then finally yelps, leaping out of the chair and catching you before you fall.

“Pregnant! My… my wife… is pregnant. Pregnant! I mean, makes sense, with how much you and I do the dirty, we should have an attic full of ankle biters by now, but…. gah! I’m gonna be a daddy! A, a different kinda daddy! Ya mean… we’re gonna have a googly gaga little ghoul of our own?!”

You start to grin, realizing his excitement. “That’s exactly what it means.”

“I… I don’t know what to do… I just can’t, I… I think I’m gonna–” His head spins, and he catches it. You giggle, and he dips you. “You think we did it while I looked like I was living? I was way too handsome then to be makin’ babies. Babes, I couldn’t bare it if our little one was living, I really hope they inherit my mossy teeth and sunken eyes.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine–”

“Oh, have you told mom and pops yet?”

“Well, I sent a letter. They don’t really check their texts. I’m still waiting for their response.”

Just then, you both hear screeching at the window, and turn to see a vampire bat with a bunch of letters.

“Mail’s here,” BJ says, rushing over, “Maybe it’s from them!”

He opens the window, gives the bat a cockroach he fishes out of his pocket, and hurriedly goes through the papers. “Bill… bill… funeral invitation… bill… what?! We didn’t order bug repellent! Oh, it was you…. aha! Here we go.”

He tosses you the letter, and you sit back down in his lap, opening it.

_Dear (y/n) and Beetlejuice,_

_We love you both very much, and are so happy to hear the news! We’d like to visit again as soon as possible to be with you during this exciting time._

_P.s. Let’s hope the green hair skips a generation! If not, I’ve got lots of hair dye._

_P.s.s. Your father is just kidding of course. If they get the green hair, they will be very lovely looking, we’re sure._

You smile, and Beetlejuice drapes an arm around you. “Well kid, this is it. You and me finally settling down with a family. God, I’ve always dreamed of this.”

“You have?”

“Nah, I always dreamed of banging hookers and breaking headboards my whole life, but this is even better!”

You smirk, turning around to tilt BJ’s chin. “How about this, daddy… why don’t we celebrate with some banging?”

“And wreckin’ the headboards?”

“Well, we just got them fixed last week…”

“They could use a little breaking in.”

You both laugh, and he snaps you to the bedroom.

 


End file.
